I decided to write a part 2 because something happened and I realized that I have omitted some details from “Two-Piece Swimsuit (Love your Body) Part 1“.
Well, I was bikini shopping again because I didn’t like the high-waisted solid black one that I ordered from Amazon. (It’s the same one in Part 1 but the one in the photo is solid red.) Anyway, the bottom was too high for my taste. I took photos of myself with the bikini of my daughter and the black one and put it side by side and showed some of my nurses and all of them thought that my daughter’s bikini looked better on me. Since I’m not brave enough to post the photo yet, I’ll just describe it to you. It’s tealish-blue with white straps and some pink/white flowers that look like a lotus, plus it’s mid-waist so it still shows the belly button (and some stretch marks. Ugh!). So, I asked Elle to order me one of hers and I was looking for another one so I can bring 3 sets. We’re going island hopping so I wanted to have different sets of swimsuits, preferably those that I can mix and match. A girls gotta have some luxury, right?. lol 😉
Anyway, I made the mistake of asking my “almost-ex” (long story… I’ll tell you in another post though our story kinda ended a long time ago, it’ll be official soon) for his opinion. I have been with this man for many years and he has a good heart though he can be an idiot at times. Not really, he’s a nice guy but really tactless. I knew from the start that tact was not one of his strong suits. So why do I even ask him? I must be a worse idiot. Ugh! This really messed up my self-esteem through the years that I’ve been with him. I have never been with a man who didn’t appreciate me enough.
Several weeks ago, we were having a conversation and I mentioned to him that I was going to wear a two-piece swimsuit and he says, “What about that? pointing to my tummy. I said, “What do you mean by, ‘What about that?’? But before he could answer, Elle says, “Mom, you look great, don’t mind what Dad says, you can wear whatever you want.” He really pissed me off. I was just starting to regain my confidence and I’m still trying to muster enough courage to wear a bikini in public and this guy who’s actually our of shape — all 250+ lbs of him (and I still call him sexy) has the audacity to put me down. What an idiot!!! Grrrrr!!! ❤ him still…Yeah, I’m an idiot, too. 😦
So last week, he tells me, “so I heard you got your bikini, let’s see it.”. I said no, it’s ok. But he insisted, so I said “I took a photo, I’ll just show you.” Then I did and he complimented it. He sounded sincere and he also complimented the weight I lost (about 40 lbs give or take). So I felt a little confident again.
Then, last week I was bikini shopping again and because of his last comment (re: my swim suit photos on my cellphone) I was confident that we would have a good conversation but he threw me a curve ball. I asked him to pick from 2 different prints for me. I really liked this one with the red Rose prints but my daughter wanted me to get the one with the orange Plumeria prints. (Both prints on black.)
Then he says, “What about a one piece?“. I couldn’t say anything. I was pissed right away. I knew where he was going with this. He knew I made up my mind about this swimsuit and I just had to decide on the prints. So I said, “What are you trying to say?” He goes, “you see, bikinis are not supposed to be high-waisted, they’re supposed to be resting on your hips… like this.” He shows me some images on google.
Long story short, I told him to $#@*% (not nice)… then I cried. I was really down for several days not feeling like I could wear those swim suits that I bought. It really hit me hard. He apologized and said he didn’t mean anything bad, like I could get a mid-waist instead of the high-waisted retro’s I was looking at. Well, damage was done. Bigtime!!! But I’m fine now.
I’m not skinny… never have been. I always had the curves even when I was in my teens even when there was a point that I was underweight I just always felt fat because of the culture that I grew up in where women with big boobs and bumpers were considered fat.
I have just began to accept myself and celebrate the shape I’m in. I’m no longer focused on my weight but being healthier, fit, living longer and enjoying my youth… or what’s left of it. 😉 I am grateful that I had a shift in my mindset since I came back from Paris last year… ( see Today is the First Day of the Rest of My Life) I have started to accept and embrace my flaws and imperfections… and just enjoy my authenticity. It took me a long time to get here but I have arrived… kinda sorta. I just wish that other women (and men) would get to this point sooner than I have.
LIVE LAUGH … BELLE PAPILLON
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